Pod people & Shattered Illusions (k3nshi)

The Location: The Apple Store, Regent Street.

I wanted to pick up an iPod Shuffle, thinking it would be good for the running I will (honest) start doing regularly (no really). So, obviously I needed some kind of holder for the Shuffle for when I take it running. There were two options: the "sports case" (a flimsy looking plastic sheath on a string) and the arm band holder. The cost of each of these items? £19. Nineteen pounds.

I did a double take. "This is ridiculous," I thought. So I took a quick browse through the shop (lots of shiny things to gawp at), and then for some reason decided, sod it - I'm here now, I'll just buy it. The Reality Distortion Field had won over my reservations. Strike One for Team Apple.

So with the arm band in hand I started to queue up. When I had entered the store it was surprisingly quiet. Unfortunately by the time the RDF had taken hold over me, a sizeable queue had formed. But no worries. This is the Apple flagship store. A queue isnt going to be that much of a problem for these guys. Or so I thought.

When I was younger I worked in retail and did a pretty damned good job, going by the feedback from the owners of the shop and the customers. I understand the basics of retail work. Really, it's not that hard. But I was about to be AMAZED by what I would see in this retailling "mecca".

Firstly, there was an Apple Store employee just idly chatting away with his friend, standing behind the counter area. He even came over to have a quick chat to his other friend who was in the queue behind me. Nice touch. There were about 15-20 people in the queue. Secondly, I was stunned to see that there was no seperation of service for the purchase of big ticket items or even for people returning goods. Everyone was being dealt with by the same 3 manned counters (a couple were unmmaned, clearly Apple Store staff need to chat with their mates, rather than serve customers). "All" I wanted to do was buy a iPod Shuffle and a heinously overpriced bit of plastic, and yet I was having to wait whilst some bint complained about a problem with her iPod mini and a old couple happily chatted to the Apple Spodperson as they bought their printer and new iMac (note to J5: they pack it nicely to make it a doddle to carry). And yet I continued to wait. No urgency from any of the Apple Store staff.

I took the opportunity to survey the people in the queue. Most seemed to be holding small ticket items. All were patiently waiting. Not a sign of disquiet upon a single face. All of the people in the queue were smartly dressed, striking me as affluent and confident. As I surveyed them, I made them out to be the kind of smug motherfuckers who would no doubt throw an absolute fit if they had to wait at any other store or if someone had died in front of them on a tube platform. "Get out of my way you selfish loser, I have to get to work!". And yet, here they were. Looking smug. Waiting patiently. Strangely docile and almost pleased to simply be standing there in The House that Jobs Built.

And this led to reflection on my part. I asked myself: "If I had to wait 10 mins in any other store due to poor organisation, what would I do?". I mentally transposed the situation to Argos. And with that Steve's beautifully constructed RDF shattered. I left the queue, dumped the arm band on the stand of Tiger boxes (no doubt ruining the Feng Shui of the place - this act of "littering" pleased me greatly) as I walked past a security guard. The expression on the faces of The Faithful in the queue screamed: "OMG! Is he mad? Why is he leaving?" as I strutted out the store.

As I walked out, two thoughts crossed my mind:

• "You lose Apple,"
  
• "Steve Jobs is a fucking genius for managing to get normally smart people to behave like this. I must learn his secrets,"
  

And with that I went off to track down a copy of iCon.